For sometime, I have debated on how personal I wanted to be on my public platform. On one hand, I want you all to connect with me. On the other hand, I do value privacy. I do not want all of my business “in the street” as my granny would say. Finally, I decided to write this post not because I wanted attention or sympathy but because I wanted to help someone else that is struggling. We are all fighting battles. Maybe mine will help someone else not feel so lonely. I’m expected to be strong. Being vulnerable is not accepted. That’s tiring. I’m tired!
Lately( I positively use lately instead of always), life has been a gigantic struggle for me. My parents health problems, my finances, my ailing social life and my long term goals are causing me to feel like I’ve failed. I feel like giving up. I’m drowning.
My dad is has been on dialysis for 15+ years. Recently he was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulminary Disease. My granny died from COPD in 2009. Hearing him wheezing, gasping for breath is just too much for me. Sometimes he coughs and chokes to the point that he almost passed out. My mom constantly talks about my granny and how the disease destroyed her. I feel helpless. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday, my parents congregation had an anointing of the sick for my dad. The church members prayed over him, claiming God’s healing. He’s doing better today than he was Sunday.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer is the uterus last year. Luckily the cancer was caught in an early stage. She had surgery in December to remove her uterus. Now she’s struggling with stage 2 kidney disease. She’s fearful of being on kidney dialysis. She keeps saying that if it comes down to that, she wants to die. She suffers from mental illness as well. Constantly I’m walking on egg shells, afraid to set her off.
I have to keep her together mentally. Keep her from flying off of the handle. I have to make him do what he’s supposed to do for his health. It’s rough. Their burdens are mine. Im in a war zone. Some bomb is always dropping. I have to keep them together. My plate is full.
Home isn’t a place of comfort for me. It’s a battlefield. Sometimes it’s not clear if my family is on my team or behind enemy lines.
Worrying about their health is all I do. I am losing sleep over it. I trust that God will work everything out. I’m just sad about it. Not that I’m going to marry or have children any time soon, I’m still worried that my parents won’t be around to see me grow. I’m worried that I’ll be alone in the world without any sense of home. My parents are under 60 and struggling with health issues like this. Talk about black health. I want to love to see my grandchildren.
Living at home with my parents directly after graduating was not my dream. I wanted to live in New York. Now, I want to move out. My mom is passive aggressive and the aggressive about my decision. She too is afraid of being alone. I’ve been apartment hunting with a friend. My mom blows up on me about it. I want to be free. I want to be an adult. I want to live my own life. Saving money is a task that I have yet to master. I’ll save for a good period and then blow it. Finding a second job is a thought that has been on my mind for several months.
How will I have time to live life if I’m working multiple jobs and worrying about them? They both worked like mules, juggling two and three jobs at a time. Look at them down. Both of them are broken down. Their bodies are ages passed what they should be. I don’t want to end up like that.
I want to have a career that pleases me while helping others. My work should matter, it should impact people. I want to be able to provide for my family. I don’t feel that I’m doing anything that impacts anyone at this point. Don’t get me wrong. I am extremely appreciative of my job, and having the opportunity to work for such a great company. I have a knack for people that is quite unique. I hope to utilize that for good. Unfortunately caring for people, helping people doesn’t pay well.
I’m just sad. I’m disappointed because I’m not where I want to be or where I thought I would be. Me putting 40 hours into my boss and none into me is draining. On my death bed, I don’t want, “she was good at her job” to be my only accomplishment in life.
Going back to school is big a priority for me right. I don’t want to go back. Everyone else is on school right now. I’m just not ready emotionally not do I have the proper finances for tuition.
I’m trying to find a balance in my financial sector.
My relationships are either really solid or on thin ice. I’ve grown apart from friends that I never thought I’d be without. Yet, I’ve strengthened the connection with friends that I’ve had forever. Distance separates me from my college friends. We bonded. It’s hard to explain how deep our bonds are but I miss not being able to see them.
Normally, people at my age would gain work friends, friends from clubs or groups they are in, have friends from church, something. How do I meet new people? I don’t know how. Disconnected described how I feel with most of my relationships right now. I’m burnt out.
I feel isolated from everyone and everything. Everyone has their clique. At times, I feel like I just have me, myself, and I.
In my recent relationship downfalls, I felt as though I was critiqued more than I was praised. I spent so much time uplifting the people around me, but they only critiqued me. I’m giving acalades and pats on the back but receiving negativity. I got tired of it and cut them out. Sometimes you have to severe relationships that don’t promote your growth. Those relationships took me out of my character. Once I started to look in the mirror and reflect, I realized that my sanity was worth more than messiness. Those relationships were big ole balls of mess. I’m just tired of being around people that don’t understand power and privilege. I’m tired of being around people that aren’t #teamnora but expect me to be #teamthem.
Dating wise- dating is a joke right now. Im not courted properly. I don’t do it.i don’t date. I don’t know where all of the good guys are hiding. I’ve given up on love. It’s just not for me. I’m hopeful for others. I love to see people in love. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be loved in return. The right way. Not me begging to have my texts responded to. Or me wondering why he didn’t call to see if I’m ok. Not me telling you to be interested in me enough to ask how my day was. I don’t see me bring with someone that will be down for me like I’d be down for him.
I refuse to hit you with the Meredith Grey live, “Pick me, Choose me, Love me!” I’m tried of begging to be loved.
I haven’t met a guy yet that wanted to treat me right.
A few of my friends are dating great guys. I don’t think that all men are dogs. Simply, I doubt my chances of meeting a good, loving, God Fearing,intelligent, ambitious, single man.
How do you talk to men? I have not the faintest idea.
Relationships are difficult. I’m flawed. For this very reason, I don’t expect everything and everyone to be perfect. Still, I’m disappointed. As Drake states, “No one wants to be 65 and alone.” I don’t know how to fix me.
I don’t know what exactly I want how. I just know that I’m not satisfied with were I am. I had so many dreams. So many things I wanted to accomplish. Now I’m stuck in mundane routine. The same old boring activities daily, weekly, monthly. At the top of the year, I had so much hope for 2015, so many plans for my 23 year of life. Now I’m numb. Shocked that it’s almost 2016. To be completely real, I’m wondering whether I wasted a year or if the growth will help me in the long run. I don’t know how to make things happen. My network is poor. My support group is slim. I’m just uncertain about everything now. I want to travel more, see new places. Try new foods. New activities. Go to different conferences and conventions. See the sun rise and set all over the world.
Most people experience a mid- life crisis in their 40s. For them, they have to deal with parents who have deteriorating health circumstances. Relationship maintenance whether romantic or platonic is pressing. They worry about getting children through school if they have them. They worry about their jobs, aging, and whether or not they are truly satisfied. Of course, people do experience this phenomenon earlier in life. My point is that it’s most common later down the line.
I’m at this point now.
Just keep swimming. That’s my plan until I figure out my next steps. I’m just burnt out, trying to find my rhythm again. I’m lost in everyone else.
Lauryn Hill said it best, “I gotta find peace of mind.” At 23, I hope that I have s better grasp on life by 25.
I thought that life out of college would be easier in all aspects. I’m still worried that I’ll be poor, financial struggling for ever. I’m worried that my friendship will dwindle and that my romantic opportunities have already passed me. Hope is the only thing that keeps me going. Things just can’t always be this bad. My struggle will be testimony soon I pray. I just don’t want to be on the struggle bus forever. When will I get my shit together?
Do any of you feel like every aspect of your lives are going down the drain at once? How did you cope? How did you overcome?
Here’s some inspiration that’s gotten me through my struggle moments
I’ll keep you posted on my journey. I’m sure I’ll land on my feet. I always do. 2015 has been rougher than I expected.
Maybe the roughness is preparing my diamond, preparing me to shine brighter. Once I get out of this emotional/mental crisis, I’ll let you know. Diamonds don’t form in peaceful, perfect environments. That’s true for humans as well.
Until next time,