Happy Tuesday everyone! Hope you all are doing well. This day started off quite dreary but has turned into one of much beauty. The sun is shining. I’m in the best mood that I’ve been in, in a while. Sunday was supposed to be a nice, relaxing, chill- filled. Instead, I found myself in the middle of Beyonce’s Lemonade visual album. Somewhere between ” who the fuck do you think I iz ?” and “I ain’t sorry”, Is where I found myself. I spent months trying to get outside of my fear of dating. I took a leap of faith, try online dating, and even spent time getting to know someone. While I made conscious efforts to be vulnerable and to be open to love, my efforts resulted in failure. My dating experience prior to this, is non-existent, yet my experiences with men, starting with my biological father, have been lackluster to say the least. Still, I looked forward to this opportunity with the utmost hope and sincerity. Learning to trust someone is a difficult process. I went into a movie date, with the intention of bonding more. I exited the date, questioning my judgement in men as well as my ability to discern. Without divulging specific details about the situation, I will say that I have never felt more blindsided or disappointed. Normally, I don’t share pictures of who I am dating involved with on social media. Caution was thrown to the wind in that regard. Because I wanted to be sure about him, I wanted us to take things slowly. Yes, I was scared, but I was open. I should have noticed small things that did not quite add up or make sense to me. Often, we turn a blind eye to red flags when wearing rose colored glasses. Melanie Fiona summarized my feelings best in her song, Wrong Side Of A Love Song. “How did I become the wrong side of a love song?” ” How did I end up in a Mary J Blige, ‘not gon’ cry” situation?
Earlier that day, one of my girlfriend’s called me to spill about how terrible this guy did her. Here I sat, infuriated that he would mistreat her, a beautiful, intelligent, humorous, loving woman? Why would he play games? By the end of the day, I found myself asking similar questions about my own situation. The excuses being made for the poor decisions did not make sense. For a split second, I was hurt. I questioned my own beauty. I questioned what I had to offer, and thought that I possible wasn’t good enough to be loved. Then I realized that I’m the shit. I am smart, funny, loving, compassionate, and beautiful. Outside of wanting to hop on him, I really was proud of myself for how I handle the fiasco. I drove him home, wished him the best in all of his endeavors and left. As our conversation winded down, I realized my own worth. Someone that isn’t worthy of you, won’t appreciate you. This scenario, while mostly his fault, was mine. My desire to be with someone clouded my judgement. Being with someone was more important that being with someone who legitimately cared for me. After reviewing my past romantic errors, o noticed that I tend to go for guys that show me attention. I disregard the fact that I am not interested or probably wouldn’t have entertained advances if I was not tired of being single. Do not missunderstand my sentiments! I rarely exchange my number with men. I’m not in relationships left and right. I just don’t go after the guys that I’m actually interested in or attracted to. Honestly, Matthew is the first guy that I have talked to this seriously. His insecurities won’t prevent me from dating again, yet I have serious reservations for the time being.
If you have to ask someone, “who do you think I am” then that person shouldn’t be in your life. A person that values you, knows what you offer, and what tvey stand to lose without you, Protect you. Don’t be so easy to give you away to people who won’t care for you properly.